第30章爱在不言不语中（1）
神奇的馈赠
DearMom
克丽斯汀·古尔德eGoold
&yyears，IamfioappreciatethemotheryouhavebeehoughJanaisohsold，IfeelIhavelearyouiimesihaninallmyyearsupandbreakinga>
AsIgoaboutmynewlifeforJana，Itlywonder，howohdidyoudoit？You，whoraisedwo，butsix。I'mstillfeelingshockwavesfromthedupheavalonechildhasmadeinmylife，andIknowthateriencedsofarisonlyaglimpse，thebaresthint，ofallyouwentthrus。
"Youlearntosacrifiyouhave。"wasoneofyourstockphrasesingup。Toyou，sacrifiecessaryvirtue，aofparenthood。ButIdidn'tgoforthat。Isideredsaotonlyunnecessary，butunfashionableanddhtunappealingaswell。
Well，Mom，whatIsay？I'mlearning。
Lately，I'vebeguntolookonmotherhoodasaninitiationinto"reallife。"Idon'tthinkIrealizeduntilJana'sbirththatthelifeI'dledpreviously—relativelyfree，easy，athelifeledbymostpeople—pastorpresent。Bybeother，Iseemtohaveacquiredautomaticmembershipintoauniversalclubmadeupofuiesaies，limitationsanddifficulties，aimes，unsolvableproblems。Ofcourse，theclubhasitsbeoo。
WhenJanawakesfromherafternoonnapand，sohappytoseeme，givesmeherradiantfull-facesmile，Ismilebadfeelonmyowhesmileyouusedtogivemewhehem。Or，whehingparticularlycute，I'llglaGary，andinthelookweexgeIseetheoneIremembergbetweenyouandDadatoppositeeable。ItwasalookfulloffeelingsIilnow。
WhenIholdJaomeandlookdowntoseemyhandtightacrossherchest，orwhenItuketaroundherwhileshesleepsandtouchtheskinofhercheek，Iseeyourhands（thhandswiththeirsmoothovalnails，steadyanddg）doihings。ThenIfeelasifsomeoftheloveayyougaveththosehandsisnowinmine，asIpassthatloveontoJana。
&herdayJanafellasleepagainstmyarm。Imusthavespewearingather，marvelicolorofherhair，thesupplenessofherskiih，movingnowandthearushIfelt，ofloveandwonder，ofdludmore。IsuddenlyrememberedsomethingIsawonyourfacelastsummer，whenIwashomeonavisitshortlyafterJana'sbirth。
&ingonthegliderswinginthebackyard。Itwasal，coolthereintheshade，andtheairwasfullranyarden。IwasholdingJaoelemovementoftheswing。
ButIwasn'tenjoyinganythingjustthen。I'dhadaroughnight。Janawassixweeksoldandhadbeenupeveryfewhours。I，fretfulandnervousasoherbe，hadbeenhavingtroublefallingbacktosleepbetweenherfeedings。Iwasdtired，andnotfeelingcheerfulaboutthismotherhoodbusiall。
Sittingontheglider，wetalked—orrather，Italked，lettingloosemyloadofayandfrustrationsonyou。Andoutoftheblue，youreachedovertotouchmyhair。
"It'ssopretty，"yousaid，anoddexpressiononyourface。"Thewaythesunishittingitiusticedyouhadshlightsbefore。"
Alittleembarrassed，preoccupiedwithhtsandproblems，Ishruggedoffyourent。Idon'tknowwhatIsaid，somethingshortanddismissive，nodoubt，asIwavedawaytheent。Butyourwordsaffectedme。Ithadbeenalongtimesineohingtrulybeautifulinme，andI>
IthastakehislohatthelookyougavemethatdayisthesamelookIgiveheralmostdaily。AnditmakesmewopossiblethatyoustillseethemiramethatIseeinJahemagiueevenwhenyrownandgoneahemselves？WillIlookatJanainthirtyyearsandstillfeelthesamerushofloveforherthatIdonow？
Italmosthurtstothinkofthatki'stoovulile。Ikhebarriersthatspriweeheirovertheyears，thefriisuandings，thedailyflidstruggles，theiablepullingawayandfinalbreakforindependence。IachetothinkthatsomedayJanaaveawaymytentativewordsofloveasIdidyours。
enstothatfirst，strongrushoflove？Isitloststheway，buriedbeiicalitiesfchild？Orisitthereallalong，unvoiexpressed，until，perhaps，anewchildisbornandamotherreachesouttothter'shair？
That，itseemstome，istherealmiracle：thewayamother'sloveisrediscovered，repeated，passedonagainandagain—asithasbeenhandeddowninourlivesfromyoutome，frommetoJana，andfromJaoherowisagiftinitself。
&I'vebeeosayallalongis，thanks，Mom。
30年后，我终于开始体会到妈妈的苦心了。尽管我的女儿嘉娜才只有10个月大，但我还是觉得，她出生后不久我便更加了解您的艰辛了，比我在您身边长大和离开您之后的所有日子里都更加了解。
当我开始自己照看嘉娜的新生活时，我就一直在想，您到底是如何做到这一切的？您抚养的不是我这一个孩子，也不仅是两个孩子，而是六个孩子。我至今还在震惊于一个孩子带给我生活的巨变，而且我知道，此刻我所经历的，相对于您抚养我们的艰辛而言，才只是冰山一角，微乎其微。