第25章亲爱的母亲DearMom（2）
Lately，I’vebeguntolookonmotherhoodasaninitiationinto“reallife”。Idon’tthinkIrealizeduntilJana’sbirththatthelifeI’dledpreviously—relativelyfree，easy，athelifeledbymostpeople—pastorpresent。Bybeother，Iseemtohaveacquiredautomaticmembershipintoauniversalclubmadeupofuiesaies，limitationsanddiffidsometimes，unsolvableproblems。Ofcourse，theclubhasitsbeoo。
WhenJanawakesfromherafternoonnapand，sohappytoseeme，givesmeherradiantfull-facesmile，Ismilebadfeelonmyowhesmileyouusedtogivemewhehem。Or，whehingparticularlycute，I’llglaGary，andinthelookweexgeIseetheoneIremembergbetweenyouanddadatoppositeeable。ItwasalookfulloffeelingsIilnow。
WhenIholdJaomeandlookdowntoseemyhandtightacrossherchest。OrwhenItuketaroundherwhileshesleepsandtouchtheskinofhercheek。Iseeyourhands（thhandswiththeirsmoothovalnails，steadyanddg）doihings。ThenIfeelasifsomeoftheloveayyougaveththosehandsisnowinmine，asIpassthatloveontoJana。
&herdayJanafellasleepagainstmyarm。Imusthavespewearingather，marvelicolorofherhair，thesupplenessofherskiih，movingnowandthearushIfelt，ofloveandwonder，ofdludmore。IsuddenlyrememberedsomethingIsawonyourfacelastsummer，whenIwashomeonavisitshortlyafterJana’sbirth。
&ingonthegliderswinginthebackyard。Itwasal，coolthereintheshade，andtheairwasfullranyarden。IwasholdingJaoelemovementoftheswing。
ButIwasn’tenjoyinganythingjustthen。I’dhadaroughnight。Janawassixweeksoldandhadbeenupeveryfewhours。I，fretfulandnervousasoherbe，hadbeenhavingtroublefallingbacktosleepbetweenherfeedings。Iwasdtired，andnotfeelingcheerfulaboutthismotherhoodbusiall。
Sittingontheglider，wetalked—orrather，Italked，lettingloosemyloadofayandfrustrationsonyou。Andoutoftheblue，youreachedovertotouchmyhair。
“It’ssopretty。”yousaid，anoddexpressiononyourface。“Thewaythesunishittingitjusticedyouhadshlightsbefore。”
Alittleembarrassed，preoccupiedwithhtsandproblems，Ishruggedoffyourent。Idon’tknowwhatIsaid，somethingshortanddismissive，nodoubt，asIwavedawaytheent。Butyourwordsaffectedme。Ithadbeenalongtimesineohingtrulybeautifulinme，andI
IthastakehislohatthelookyougavemethatdayisthesamelookIgiveheralmostdaily。AnditmakesmewopossiblethatyoustillseethemiramethatIseeihemagiueevenwhenyrownandgoneahemselves?WillIlookatJanainthirtyyearsandstillfeelthesamerushofloveforherthatIdonow?
Italmosthurtstothinkofthatkioovulile。Ikhebarriersthatspriweeheirovertheyears，thefriisuandings，thedailyflidstruggles，theiablepullingawayandfinalbreakforindepeothinkthatsomedayJanaaveawaymytentativewordsofloveasIdidyours。
enstrushoflove?Isitloststheway，buriedbeiicalitiesfchild?Orisitthereallalongunvoiexpressed，until，perhaps，anewchildisbornandamotherreachesouttothter’shair?
That，itseemstome，istherealmiracle:thewayamother’sloveisrediscovered，repeated，passedonagainandagain—asithasbeenhandeddowninourlivesfromyoutome，frommetoJana，andfromJaoherowisagiftinitself。
&I’vebeeosayallalongis，thanks，Mom。